Tuesday, April 21

How Adam Got Eve

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" 

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it"

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" Of course the rest is history............!!!!

Sunday, April 19

Why Women Are Crabby

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs. 

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. 

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. 

Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. 

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. 

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more? 

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. 

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... 

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

Saturday, April 11

The Birth of Yahoo

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . .

And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land."

And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so." And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Com's trading, as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderite’s, or NERDS for short.

And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay, " he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!" said Abraham.

"No, Yahoo!" said Dot Com

Thursday, April 9

I'm not as far from crazy as I thought (an old post from an old blog revisited)

I'm sure the people with the pretty white fancy jackets that close in the back are fast on their way to pick me up. My kids, neighbor, her kids and I all went to the beach yesterday and there I realized that I'm crazy. I half expected my fancy jacket to be waiting for me when I got home. In fact I'm surprised it wasn't, perhaps it will come today.

As you've all noticed by now, my hair is incredibly short. Well my older 2 kids swim just as well as I do, and my youngest is fast on her way there. So my youngest (we'll call her Somebody Else, as whenever I ask who did something, she always reply's with that) and I swam half-way across the lake and back. When we got back to the beach, there were people set up on a blanket close by where we set up. Sombody Else is tanned even darker than I am, and has blond hair, but is just as good with accents as I am. Well, she decided to be a royal smartass and started to talk with an East Indian accent. If you know me at all, when one person starts with accents, I have to speak that way as well, especially if it's put on. Anyways, I started to talk like my kid and you should have seen the looks we got. I don't have much in the way of boobs and with my hair as short as it is, people looked at us real funny. One thing you have to understand, when I speak with this particular accent I sound like a boy who's voice just changed.

My neighbor doesn't swim so she was lying on the blanket watching, and enjoying, the show. Somebody Else is just as nasty as I am with voices, and smoothly switched to speaking with a Mexican Mennonite accent, which I followed. We had my neighbor in stiches, and the people lying on blankets and towels around us, really got confused. I swear some of the believe I truly am a male, dressed like a female. But when I broke into the Mexican accent, I really confused them because then there is no mistaking that I'm female. Well my neighbor has her own very strong accent, which she can't get rid of as she's from Honduras, and has never shed her Spanish accent. (My tan is her natural color, and Somebody Else is darker yet...sheesh). 

My older 2 (Nobody, and Not Me, for the same reasons as Somebody Else) came up and broke into Native American accents. You can just imagine the confusion with all these different accents floating around and changing quicker than you can say "Jack rabbit". Well my neighbors youngest is 3 yrs old, and she (we'll call her Trouble, as she's always asking "You looking for trouble?"), decided to start speaking Spanish. That made Nobody, Not Me, and Somebody Else, start to speak in French with these mixed up accents, and I decided to switch over to sign language. No one could understand each other as none of us are fluent in French, Spanish or Sign. Our conversation was nothing but a bunch of jibberish, but we had fun, and truly enjoyed the looks on everyone elses faces. It went from people looking at us from the corners of their eyes, to out right staring. People just couldn't help but stare in outright astonishment at our behaving in such an outrageous manner.

So like I said, I won't be surprised when that fancy white jacket shows up in an ambulance with more than a few attendants. Nor will I be shocked to find out that there is one for Nobody, Not Me and Somebody Else either.

Well I'm off for a walk right now, perhaps my whole house will be turned into a rubber room by the time I get back. Maybe that wouldn't be so bad, after all if my house were made of rubber, the kids and I would have a lot of fun jumping around everywhere......lol.

Saturday, April 4

If you can read this…

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to
a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in
waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng
is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The
rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a
pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh
and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Here's an eye test for you!