Sunday, April 19

Why Women Are Crabby

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs. 

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. 

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. 

Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. 

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. 

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more? 

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. 

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... 

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.


  1. You explain it oh so well...

    But it's also true that men never know the immense relief a woman experience the moment the baby is actually out and into this world... right?

    Still... you really explain it oohhh so well....

  2. Very true Minka, very true! And thank you :)

  3. Girls are yucky!

    And they're not just yucky, they're silly too. Honestly, if you can't pee in the woods without wetting your socks, don't wear socks! It's called 'lateral thinking'.

    Take me and my manly problem of hair growing on my face and acting as a mucky food catcher. Do I do the obvious thing and stop eating? No, I just use 'lateral thinking' and shave the hairs off. And there's nothing that says women can't apply this kind of thinking in their life too and be every bit as not-silly as me.

    No need for thanks. I'm just glad to be of help.

  4. This was perfect!
    I do have to complain that I never did get my "buds" as an early teen. In fact, I was quite flat chested to the point of not really needing to wear a bra until after I became pregnant.
    Wanna know what the guys called me in high school?
    Are you ready for this one?
    "Pimple Tits"
    Then, when I finally did get them, they were either so huge and swollen from breastfeeding or saggy from breastfeeding!
    I was also never the Mrs. HearMeRoar type woman either. As a nurse, I had seen countless women go through labor without drugs and at the last minute start begging for them. I knew that I wanted drugs, lots and lots of drugs, if they could give me enough to put me to sleep and then wake me up after the baby was born, that would have been perfect.
    Firstborn had different ideas though and from the time my water broke to her birth was about three hours. The OB kept saying "This is your first labor, we're going to be here all day. No drugs yet." Then all of a sudden he says "Oh, well, no drugs now. It's time to push!" I wanted to kill him!
    And you're so right on about the "cute wearing off"! I think that instead of showing these precious babies to teenagers for sex education classes, they should take in a two year old boy who climbs everything and what he can't climb, he sticks in his mouth.
    Then they coul bring in a 9 year old girl who thinks she already knows more than you and rolls her eyes at everything you say.
    And after all of that, how is it possible that we still love our lives??
    **Sorry this is so long, I'm feeling windy today!**

  5. oh skye. so many unpleasant memories going on here. and half of these i'm yet to be fortunate enough to experience. when you put it this way, I realize i'm quite smart for putting off starting the latter half of my life.

  6. ROFL Nobody! I'm not thanking you for that kind of advice, no-sir-ee! You failed to take into consideration the fact that we women don't do the facial shave thing, we get to pluck or wax the unsightly facial hair! So your having to shave point is absolutely useless :D

    Oh Tracy, tell me about it! My family still says I have the body of a 12 year old boy 'cause I'm so small chested! Like you, the only time I've really had any boobs was while breastfeeding, not fun when it came to being engorged! And please Tracy, quit apologizing for the length of comments, I enjoy what you write, ok!?! :)

    Ya know Blunt, I'm dreading the latter part of life, and am glad too that I've been able to put it off so far! I can't take those HRT pills, so will have to deal with the broiling hot to instant frozen crap :(



    I totally agree with your post.

  8. Thank you Incy, and welcome to the funny half of my blogging home :)


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