Sunday, May 17

Catholics Have All The Fun!

I was chatting with my friend Cogi this morning in MSN chat and she had a really funny story to relate to me. She had gone to a funeral last week, but she didn’t tell me the details, such as who’s funeral it was. So saying, I have no idea as to why she felt the need to go. As it is though, this funeral was Catholic based, for reasons unbeknownst to me, she chose to sit in the back row, aisle seat. You know the spot, quick getaway if and when needed. There was this woman sitting next to her who is apparently a real ditz, this information will come in handy for you later.

Anyway, I digress. As the service started with the choir singing robustly, Cogi noticed something pressing up against her backside. Reaching around, she felt a cold metal object protruding out from under her. “Hmm” she thinks to herself, “I’m wearing slacks, I’ll just spread my legs and pull it out from under me, no one should notice!”, and so she does. Well you can imagine her surprise when she realized that it’s the aspergillum (holy water sprinkler thingy for us non-Catholics)! Can’t you just see it, a woman sitting there in church pulling a silver phallus out from between her thighs? As she’s telling me this, all I can think is “NOT good!”


So there she was, just sitting there with the phallus slowly coming out from between her thighs, when the ditz beside her says “Cogi, what are you DOING? What is that thing?” Well, what’s a girl to do but tell her? “It’s the holy water sprinkle thingy”, Cogi replies. “Well why did you have it between your legs?” asks the ditz. “Because the Priest asked me to keep it safe of course!” The look on the woman’s face must have been priceless! Here I am, trying not to wake my kid, and pissing myself with laughter at the same time. I literally had to go and grab a pillow to muffle the noise I was making. How do you not laugh when someone is telling you about pulling a metal object from between her legs in a church? You can’t, it’s impossible!

There I go getting off topic again, sorry about that! Now, where was I? Oh yes, Cogi was pulling a shiny metal object out from between her thighs in Church. Good thing the choir was singing so loudly! She was laughing so hard about the whole thing that she still can’t quit laughing over it. Anyway, here’s Cogi with the holy water sprinkle thingy coming out from between her thighs with a woman staring at her all bug eyed and mouth gaping open when what should Cogi notice? None other than the ushers staring at her with mouths agape as well! By this time, she’s got the thing out from under her and she’s holding it in her hands, right!?! Well, ditz goes “Cogi, you’ve got to get rid of that thing!” “What to do, what to do”, she thinks to herself. Luckily the seat in front of her was vacant so she decided to gently and quietly put it down there. Turning to look at ditz, she calmly asked with a wink and a smile, “Do you think the ushers will send it to the Pope later to have it blessed and re-sanctified? After all, it is an article for religious worship and it was cosied up between a my thigh’s!"

13 comments:

  1. Oh, dear!! What was the thing doing there in the first place!? My son would probably say it could have been me, since he always complains I will sit on the couch no matter what's on it and THEN pick the remote control/cellphone/pencilcase whatever ... Could be...

    Do you think another woman came and did the same? I guess not, your friend would have told you about it...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I don't even know if she managed to stick around for the full funeral or if she needed to make a quick getaway because of her laughter, Minka. Perhaps she'll pop by one day soon and fill us in. She was the very first person to put this blog on her follow list after all. But, to be safe, I'll send her an e-mail with a link to this page :)

    Oh, and as for what it was doing there. She figured that perhaps the Priest or one of his minions went and put it there so that it was available for when he'd next need it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. COGI HERE, the wanton funeral slut.
    Allow me to fill in the details, a bit. I was at the funeral because it was the funeral of an old family friend, with a brother living in Florida, and a sister whose completely dysfunctional (you've heard me speak of her before Skye), I did the "responsible" thing and attended to represent "the family". Mind you though, my sister AND her husband are both retired teachers and could have easily attended, where I on the other hand had to leave my office.....but that's another issue and I, like my pal Skye digress.

    Now.......on to Church.......
    The "instrument" in question (BTW Skye, that was a lovely picture you posted), had been used as the coffin and the assembly of mourners arrived at the rear of the church. in a catholic funeral ceremony the coffin is sprinkled with holy water, draped with a flag and then marched up to the altar. Evidentally the priest, or altar boy, had set it in the last row, center aisle side for the pleasure of whoever sat there. (just kidding about that, though it does hold some promise as a recreational device,if it were battery powered that is).

    I ended up in that seat because I had helped the couple seated next to me get into the pew, he has Parkinson's and is not very mobile, she is said Ditz from Skye's description of the event. How did I end up "poised" with my bottom over the aspergillum? Luck I suppose (if only it vibrated ), but in truth I never saw it, just parked my rear........not unlike Minka and the remote.

    I have to say it was the most fun I've ever had at a funeral or in church for that matter. So somewhere in Little Old Italy's St. Paul's RC Church, there is a sullied aspergillium, or "sprinkler thingie" as I like to call it.
    I still can't help wondering if the usher's didn't impound it and send it off to the Vatican for purification, I'd love to see the language of "The Rite of Purification for Aspergillium sullied by a female perinium", cause you KNOW Vatican Law just HAS to have some rules holding domain over that........they have rules for everything !!
    Love you skye,
    Cogi

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you for stopping in and letting us know all that Cogi, the clarification is most helpful :) And by the way, welcome to my blogging home!

    ReplyDelete
  5. why thank you Miss Skye, nice to see where you've been hiding :-D
    Cogi

    ReplyDelete
  6. You're most welcome Dear Cogi, and may I thank you for the great blogging topic?

    ReplyDelete
  7. And thank YOU Skye for making it Blogworthy ;-)
    Cogi

    ReplyDelete
  8. Actually Skye, I had a thought. I think we should source out and start a collection of aspergillum which have been defiled, and then we could remarket them ......know what I mean? ;-)
    Cogi

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh my Cogi, I can see it now, Tools of the Priestly Trade! Should the display read "Aspergillum, a whole new meaning to the term Holy Water!"? We could specialize in catering to the Nuns, after all, the tools were blessed by the Pope ;). The Rosary can be included in resale as well, I'm sure you can figure out where it's potential lies, anything else you can think of?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Definitely worth a video submission to AFV and a $10,000 win. Hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  11. That's what I thought as well Etta, too bad there isn't a video of it though ;)

    ReplyDelete
  12. OMG! Too funny. I was raised Catholic and always called it the Holy Water Sprinkler thingy. Never saw it between anyone's legs either. The Catholic church and lowered it's standards over the years!

    ReplyDelete
  13. It certainly seems to have done so Sue!

    ReplyDelete

I've decided to use comment moderation simply because that way, I never miss a new comment on my posts. I'm really quite forgetful and tend to not remember how many comments had been in each post the last time I looked, so please bare with me and my memory lapses :)